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Hony's Funny's
ON
www.honystable.com
This is where one will find.
The other side of life thanks
to every one that finds and
sends it to me.
I do not claim
any of this info on this
page to be mine.
E-mail me your funny story
at
hony@honystable.com
******************************
There is a
dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by
hand.
This virus is
called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK).
If you receive
WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT
TOUCH IT.
This virus will
wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE)
or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have
5 friends, you have already been infected
and
WORK is
controlling your life.
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Hi all,
Please don't delete this email.
Two of my closest friends have disappeared,
they're from
Windhoek ,
Namibia - please forward this email nationwide
to
everyone you know to
look out for them. They were last
seen a week ago.
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Dakota Native American tribal wisdom, passed on
from generation to generation, says: "When you
discover that you are riding a dead horse, the
best
strategy is to dismount and get a different
horse."
However, in
educative, corporate and governmental
Southern
Africa, more advanced strategies
are often
employed, such as:
1. Buying a
stronger whip.
2. Changing
riders.
3. Appointing a
committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to
visit other countries to see
how other cultures
ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the
standards so that the
dead horse can be
included.
6.
Reclassifying the dead horse
as 'living
impaired'.
7. Hiring
outside contractors to
ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing
several dead horses
together to increase speed.
9. Providing
additional funding and / or training
to increase
dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a
productivity study to see if lighter riders
would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring
that as the dead horse does not
have to be fed,
it is less costly, carries lower
overheads
and
therefore contributes substantially
more to the
bottom line of the economy than
do some other
horses.
12. Rewriting
the expected performance
requirements for all
horses.
And of course
...
13. Promoting
the dead horse to a
supervisory position!
If you
understand the above, then you are
obviously a
South African.
Smart man
+
smart woman = romance
Smart man
+
dumb
woman = affair
Dumb man
+
smart
woman = marriage
Dumb man
+
dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss
+
smart employee = profit
Smart boss
+
dumb
employee = production
Dumb boss
+
smart
employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb
employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay
R200
for a R100
item
he needs.
A woman will pay R100 for a R200
item that she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the
future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes
more
money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love
her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that
she won't change,
and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last
word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new
argument.
HOW
TO STOP PEOPLE FROM
BUGGING
YOU ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me
at weddings,
poking me
in the ribs
and cackling, telling me,
"You're
next."
They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to
them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO
NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE
SMART
GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!
An old, tired-looking dog wandered
into
the yard. I could tell from
his
collar and well-fed belly
that he had a
home.He
followed me into the house, down
the
hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An
hour later, he went to the
door, and I let him out.
The next day he was
back, resumed
his position in the hall, and slept
for an hour. This
continued
for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a
note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dogcomes to my house for a
nap."
The next day he arrived
with a
different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home
with ten children --
he's trying to catch up on his
sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Need a New
Look
OR
Just be
Different.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU:
1)
Have nothing to do
2) Own a sharp knife
3) Have a large lime
4) Own a patient cat
5) Drink too much tequila
Jy's my bra,
nê hond?
Frog and Horse
Can you tell the difference
between a horse and a frog?
Watch closely...
![[]](images/H&FHead.gif)
This is the neatest thing I've
seen in my email in a while.
Happy IVGLDSW Day!
![[]](images/nicelady.jpg) Today
is International Very Good Looking,
Damn Smart Woman's Day,
so
please send this message to
someone you think fits this
description.
Please do not send
it back
to me as I have already
received it from a Very Good
Looking, Damn Smart Woman!
And remember this motto to live
by: Life should NOT be a journey
to the grave with the
intention
of arriving safely in an attractive
and well
preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in
one hand, wine in
the other, body thoroughly used
up,
totally worn out and screaming
" WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have a wonderful day!
Inside me lives a
skinny woman
crying to get out.
But I can usually
shut the
bitch up with cookies.
I was feeling a little
nosey, so I thought I
would look in on you
and see if you are
sitting at your
computer...
Yup, there you are!
Doing nothing
DA GOOD OLD DAYS!!!
- Sound
The sharing of
marriage...
The old man placed order
for one
hamburger, French
fries and a
drink.
He un
-wrapped
the plain
hamburger and carefully
cut it in half, placing
one half
in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted
out the
French fries,
dividing them into
two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his
wife took a sip and then set the
cup
down between them. As he
began to eat his few bites of
hamburger,
the people around
them were looking
over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking,
"That poor old couple - all they
can
afford is one meal
for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his
fries a young man came to the
table and
politely offered to
buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man
said,
they were just fine - they were
used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table
noticed the little old lady hadn't
eaten
a bite. She sat there
watching her husband eat
and occasionally
taking turns
sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came
over
and begged them to let
him buy
another meal for
them. This time
the old woman said "No,
thank you,
we are used to
sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man
finished
and was wiping
his face neatly
with
the
napkin, the young man
again came over to the little old
lady who
had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked "What is
it you are
waiting for?"
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
"THE TEETH."
Enhancing
Relationships
BE
PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States.
A man came out of
his home to admire his new truck.
To his puzzlement, his
three-year-old son was happily
hammering dents into the shiny paint
of the truck. The man
ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the
little boy's
hands into pulp as punishment. When the father
calmed
down, he rushed his son to the hospital.
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed
bones, he
finally had to amputate the fingers from both the
boy's hands. When
the boy woke up from the surgery & saw
his bandaged stubs, he
innocently said, " Daddy, I'm sorry
about your truck." Then he asked,
"but when are my fingers
going to grow back?" The father went
home &
committed suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on
your feet or u
wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose
your patience with
someone u love. Trucks can be repaired..
Broken bones & hurt
feelings often can't. Too often we
fail to recognize the difference
between the person and
the performance. We forget that forgiveness
is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes.
But the
actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
Epol
diet
I have two pit bulls, and was buying a large bag
of Epol
at Spar and was in line to check out.
The woman behind
me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Epol Diet
again, although, I probably shouldn't, because I'd
ended up in the hospital the last time, but I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with
tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way it works is to load your pants pockets
with
Epol pellets and simply eat one or two
every time you
feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was
going to try it again. I have to
mention here that
practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my
story, particularly a tallguy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food had poisoned me?.
I told her no,
I'd been sitting in the middle
of the street licking my
balls when a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was
going to need
help as he fell on the floor laughing.
Box Of
Tomatoes
A jobless man applied for the position of
"office boy" at
Microsoft. The HR manager
interviewed him then watched him
cleaning
the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said.
"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you
the
application to fill in, as well as
date when you may start".
The man replied "But I don't have a
computer,
neither an email."
"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you
don't have
an email, that means you do
not exist. And who
doesn't exist,
cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't
know
what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.
He then
decided to go to the supermarket
and buy a 10Kg
tomato crate. He then sold
the tomatoes in a door to
door round. In less
than two hours, he succeeded to
double his
capital. He repeated the operation three
times, and returned home with $60.
The man realized that he can survive
by this way,
and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late.
Thus, his money
doubled or tripled everyday.
Shortly, he
bought a cart, then a truck, then he had
his
own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later,
the man is one of the biggest food
retailers in the
US.
He started to plan his family's future, and
decided
to have a life insurance. He called
an insurance
broker, and chose a
protection plan. When the
conversation
was concluded, the broker asked him his
email.
The man replied, "I don't have an email ".
The broker answered curiously, "You don't
have an
email, and yet have succeeded to
build an empire.
Can you imagine what you
could have been if you had
an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied,
" Yes, I'd
be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story
M1- Internet/email is not the
solution to your
life.
M2- If you don't have internet/email,
and work
hard, you can be a millionaire.
M3- If you received this message by email,
you are
probably already an office boy/girl,
and not any
close to being a Billionaire...
Have a great day !!!
PS - Do not forward this email back to me,
I' m
closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!!
Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when
they came upon
a large raging, violent
river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first
man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong
legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having
almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God, please give
me strength
and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong
arms and strong legs
and he was
able to row across in about an hour
after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first
two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools
and the
intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! ... He was turned into a woman.
She
checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and
walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN
WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH
AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
'If at
first you don't succeed,
do it the way your wife told you!'
ENATIS
- TRAFFIC SYSTEM
People are
so quick with these things…….
apparently Enatis stands
for……………………
are you ready for this……?
ENATIS = Eish, not available
today, I'm sorry!!!!!!!
How DARE you
tell me
I've been unfaithful ???
A horse's
point of view.
10. Blowing Paper: "At any
moment it could whip up into our faces,
covering our noses. We
could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."
9. Barking Dogs: "What? You've never read Steven King's
CUJO?"
8. Puddles of Water: "Quicksand."
7. Trash Cans: "They've been known to swallow horses and
transport them into another dimension."
6. Babies and Li'l Kids: "Long lost tribe of horse-eating
pygmies."
5. Plaid Horse Blankets: "Hey, when was the last time
you
wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."
4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground: "Dreaded North
American Trail Snakes."
3. Ponies: "Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take
over
the world."
2. Windy Days: "Two Words: impending tornado."
1. Carts and Wagons: "Look. You put a human on
our
backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching
a horse to a
wheeled object? It's just not right."
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little
Pigs went out to
dinner one night. The waiter
came and took their
drink order.
"I would like a Sprite,"
said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke,"
said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out
and the waiter took
their orders for
dinner.
"I want a nice big steak,"
said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate,"
said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer,"
said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out
and a while later the waiter
approached
the table and asked
if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split,"
said the first piggy.
"I want a root
beer float,"
said the second piggy.
"I want beer,
lots and lots of beer,"
exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking,"
said the waiter to the
third little piggy, "
but why have you only
ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has
to
go 'Wee, wee, wee,
all the way home!"
Subject:
Ireland......only there
In the Irish hamlet of
Carrick-on-Suir, where drunk
driving is considered a sport, it was nearly
midnight
and closing time at the local tavern.
Lodged deep in the shadows
of the car park, a policeman in a
patrol car observed a man leaving the bar
in
such disrepair he could barely walk.
He stumbled around the park, trying
his keys on
several cars before finding his own and falling into the
driver's seat.
As he lay sprawled across
the seat, other patrons
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he righted
himself
and started the car. There followed a switching on
and off of wipers
(on a fine dry night), flicking of indicators
and tooting of the hooter
before he found the lights switch.
The vehicle lurched
forward a metre, reversed, then stalled.
The last patrons emerged, ignored
the drunk and left.
At last he managed to edge
out of the car park
and motor slowly down the lane. The cop rumbled
after
him, flashed his lights and pulled the man over.
But the Breathalyser test
showed no
evidence of alcohol consumption at all.
"I'll have to ask you to
accompany me
to the station, sir, this Breathalyser equipment
must be
broken," said the nonplussed patrolman.
"Oh, that won't be
necessary," replied the man cheerfully.
"Tonight I was the designated
decoy."
The Naught Gingerbread
Man
I GOT STOPPED FOR
SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY...
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK
MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL,
THE COP TOOK A LOOK AT
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.
In honour of Stupid People
. . .
In case
you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some
actual label instructions
on consumer goods.
On Tesco's
Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On
Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot's
Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after
taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds
with
head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks
&Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On a Sears
hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag
of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar
of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some
Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On
packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol
Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
On most
brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a
Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this.
I'm a bit
curious.)
On an
American Airlines packet of nuts --"Instructions:
Open
packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a
child's Superman costume --
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.)
On a
Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God.. was there a lot
of this happening somewhere?)
Now that
you've smiled at least once, it's your t
urn to spread the
stupidity to someone you want
to bring a smile to (maybe
even chuckle)...
**Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the
light**
What is the strongest animal in the world?
A Race Horse.
Look at all the suckers it carries every time it races.
For those of you
that don't know what
a Quarter Horse is,
I have attached a picture of one.
- “Dad, a Ferrari, is that a
red car
with a horse ?”
-“I think a Ferrari is just about to
overtake us on our right side” .....
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